I feel numb

This morning, Brian and I went to the Assisted Living Home where my Grandma was living and cleaned out the items that I wanted to keep. I felt numb during most of it.

It's finally hit me, I have not had any time to process my own feelings and emotions during these traumatic events. The lost of my Dad is a constant pain in my heart, and I don't think the loss of my Grandma has hit me yet.

As we were going through items in her place, it was almost unbearable, to see photos of my Dad. I feel like crying over my Dad right now, is somehow "cheating" my grandma out of the tears she deserves. Stupid, I know....but I cannot help but feel like I should be shedding more tears for her since the wound is so fresh.

I keep asking myself, what have I done to deserve this? Silly question, I know...but it just feels so unfair to have lost both  my Dad and my Grandma in a span of 6 months. Yeah, I get it, life isn't fair.

I am at a complete loss for words still. I feel like I should be feeling all this devastating emotion and yet I feel next to nothing. The lack of emotion is what's causing my stress and hurt right now. I don't know what I need for my "grieving fix". The only person I want to talk to right now is my Dad. He's the one person I would've turned to through all of this.

I am dreading the Holidays. So many "without you" first...and this year it will be double