Seeking Forgiveness

I'm laying wide awake in bed and I'm realizing I have a lot of unresolved feelings towards both the passing of my Dad and my Grandma....and I'm not positive I can get past these feelings of guilt on my own.

I know there is nothing wrong with asking for help or seeing a therapist, but I already have so many medical bills surrounding my 6 month MRIs that adding therapy sessions to my bills doesn't sound appealing.

Why do I continue to lay awake at night, letting my mind wander and haunt me? Brian lies fast asleep next to me, unaware that my demons keep me up at night. It's not like we don't talk about how I'm feeling, but they are feelings of guilt that I need to face and come to terms with...and it's a peace that he cannot give me...no one can but me.

I feel numb

This morning, Brian and I went to the Assisted Living Home where my Grandma was living and cleaned out the items that I wanted to keep. I felt numb during most of it.

It's finally hit me, I have not had any time to process my own feelings and emotions during these traumatic events. The lost of my Dad is a constant pain in my heart, and I don't think the loss of my Grandma has hit me yet.

As we were going through items in her place, it was almost unbearable, to see photos of my Dad. I feel like crying over my Dad right now, is somehow "cheating" my grandma out of the tears she deserves. Stupid, I know....but I cannot help but feel like I should be shedding more tears for her since the wound is so fresh.

I keep asking myself, what have I done to deserve this? Silly question, I know...but it just feels so unfair to have lost both  my Dad and my Grandma in a span of 6 months. Yeah, I get it, life isn't fair.

I am at a complete loss for words still. I feel like I should be feeling all this devastating emotion and yet I feel next to nothing. The lack of emotion is what's causing my stress and hurt right now. I don't know what I need for my "grieving fix". The only person I want to talk to right now is my Dad. He's the one person I would've turned to through all of this.

I am dreading the Holidays. So many "without you" first...and this year it will be double