Seeking Forgiveness

I'm laying wide awake in bed and I'm realizing I have a lot of unresolved feelings towards both the passing of my Dad and my Grandma....and I'm not positive I can get past these feelings of guilt on my own.

I know there is nothing wrong with asking for help or seeing a therapist, but I already have so many medical bills surrounding my 6 month MRIs that adding therapy sessions to my bills doesn't sound appealing.

Why do I continue to lay awake at night, letting my mind wander and haunt me? Brian lies fast asleep next to me, unaware that my demons keep me up at night. It's not like we don't talk about how I'm feeling, but they are feelings of guilt that I need to face and come to terms with...and it's a peace that he cannot give me...no one can but me.

I feel numb

This morning, Brian and I went to the Assisted Living Home where my Grandma was living and cleaned out the items that I wanted to keep. I felt numb during most of it.

It's finally hit me, I have not had any time to process my own feelings and emotions during these traumatic events. The lost of my Dad is a constant pain in my heart, and I don't think the loss of my Grandma has hit me yet.

As we were going through items in her place, it was almost unbearable, to see photos of my Dad. I feel like crying over my Dad right now, is somehow "cheating" my grandma out of the tears she deserves. Stupid, I know....but I cannot help but feel like I should be shedding more tears for her since the wound is so fresh.

I keep asking myself, what have I done to deserve this? Silly question, I know...but it just feels so unfair to have lost both  my Dad and my Grandma in a span of 6 months. Yeah, I get it, life isn't fair.

I am at a complete loss for words still. I feel like I should be feeling all this devastating emotion and yet I feel next to nothing. The lack of emotion is what's causing my stress and hurt right now. I don't know what I need for my "grieving fix". The only person I want to talk to right now is my Dad. He's the one person I would've turned to through all of this.

I am dreading the Holidays. So many "without you" first...and this year it will be double

Torn and Tattered

It's difficult to even begin to describe the emotions I'm feeling right now. While I appreciate the love and support everyone has shown me, I'm sick of being asked how I'm doing or if I'm OK....the answer is no, I'm not OK and no, there is nothing you can do for me.

In April 2015, I lost my Dad is a matter of a week. While we knew he was sick, he was gone before we even knew what was going on. 

My Mother has struggled more than I ever thought she would. She had become very dependent on my Dad, and was left with trying to make sense of all of it.

I've barely had time to breath. I still feel like I haven't had time to grieve. Between trying to help Mom, become grounded in my new job that I started in April, my new life and relationship with Brian, and handling all the paperwork that comes with death...I've been busy...too busy!

Through all this, I had a falling out with my Grandmother. She has not been in a good place for quite some time. I was unable to handle dealing with my Mom, dealing with my own life, and trying to take on her negativity as well. Some not so nice words were exchanged between her and I, and I had not talked to her since.

During the past few weeks, I came to the realization that I needed to make amends and had planned on stopping out to see her within the next few weeks. But yesterday, I received the call that she had passed away peacefully.

I'm angry with myself for letting my own emotions get in the way of being there for my Grandma after the death of her 2nd son. I am disappointed in myself that I couldn't take the time to get past my own pride and selfishness to go see her sooner. But more than anything right now...I feel numb.

I have lost the two most influential people in my life...in a span of 6 months. There are so many things I want to scream and shout at the world, at anyone, everyone, and no one all at the same time.

I am completely heartbroken right now. I don't understand why anyone should endure this much pain in such a short amount of time. I feel broken, torn, tattered, and I don't know where to being to pick up the pieces.

So, why am I doing this?!

A lot has happened since 2014. Let me first get you up to speed so you have a better understanding as to why I'm writing this:

On March 1, 2014, I went to the ER with severe abdominal pain. In order to rule out diverticulitis, the doctor ordered a CT scan. While the CT scan was inconclusive to the cause of my abdominal pain, the CT scan revealed an "abnormality" on my liver. The ER doctor didn't elaborate other than scheduling an MRI early the following week would be a good idea. 

The following week, I met with my doctor. She revealed to me that the CT scan had shown a 6.6cm x 6.8 cm mass on my liver. While the type of mass could not be determined, the radiologist did not believe the mass was cancerous. On the other hand, the location of the mass was vascular,  so the doctor preferred not to biopsy unless we absolutely felt it was necessary.  

I went in for an MRI and the results revealed that the mass was approximately 3 inches in diameter. Unfortunately, the type of mass was still not determined. The radiologist from the MRI consulted with a Gastrointestinal doctor about the mass and they felt my "case" would be best approached by a team of oncologist that met weekly to review cases and develop a treatment/action plans. This weekly "Cancer Conference" was through the Virginia Piper Cancer Institute at Abbott Northwestern Hospital.

The biggest concerns surrounding my mass were the type and location. My case was reviewed and result was a Hepatocellular (Liver) Adenoma. You know how most prescription commercials on TV have a list of "possible side effects include...", well, apparently my little adenoma, "Peanut",  was one of the rare side effects of high estrogen birth control. It was determined by the team of oncologist that I should undergo a process called a bland embolization. After a mass becomes larger than 5cm, there is concern about rupture. Well, my little peanut was pushing 7.5x6.5cm. The embolization would cut off the bloo supply, and in hopes, would cause the mass to shrink.

During the embolization, they conducted a biopsy. The good news was the biopsy was negative for cancer. However, my follow up MRI in July 2014, revealed that the mass had not shrunk. My scans were brought back to the "Cancer Conference," the team who initially reviewed my case. At this point, my mass was now measuring 8.5 cm, so the team recommended surgery be schedule within the next few weeks.

On August 20, 2014, my surgery was scheduled. What was expected to be 5-7 hours, ended up being just shy of 10 hours. The mass was much harder to resect than they had expected....and I guess I loss a lot of blood in the process. The surgeon had hoped to take more of the mass than she was able to, but unfortunately, the mass was pushed up against my aorta and so she didn't want to take any unnecessary risk.

The 10 weeks of recovery were the most difficult and trying times I have ever experience. Beyond the physical recovery, the mental stress was unbelievable. I can honestly say, I had moments where I wasn't sure I was going to make it. Going from active and go-go-go all the time, to basically bed rest for 6 weeks and no lifting for 8 weeks sucked. You don't realize how much you use your abdominal muscles until you've had major surgery and had all of them cut!

In February of 2015, I had my 6-month follow-up MRI. Peanut appears to be gone and while the area appears to be abnormal, that's normal for having 60% of your liver removed. However, while looking over the MRI, the Doctor mentioned that there appears to be another mass. This size of the mass is minimal, however, it is something recommend we monitor.

So now we're almost to the present day. In August 2015, I had my 1 year follow-up. I should mention that I now have MRIs every 6 months to track and monitor my liver. At this appointment, the new mass (macadamia) is still present. Based on the results of this new mass, they have determined that my mass has not be caused by the side effect of estrogen birth control. It appears that it might just be something in my genes.

So, where does that leave things? MRI follow up again in 6 months (February 2016). If it appears that this mass is growing as well, we will need to discuss things further. So there are two major concerns now. The first is that this type of adenoma is more "fatty" meaning a much higher risk for cancer. The second concern is the risks of another surgery. Due to the amount of scar tissue I now have, there is a much higher mortality rate for surgery...as in my Doctor said he would tell anyone that having this surgery should be a last resort. I also received the news that because of the type of mass, pregnancy would mean that I would have to have the mass removed first since hormones will feed the mass. And since surgery should be off the table for options, I have basically been told I cannot get pregnant.

OK, so that's the background of the last year. So now back to the purpose of this blog. Well, I'm either fine and the mass is not growing, or the mass is growing and I have to risk rupture or have it removed and risk my life. I have lost the most influential person in my life and have realized just how precious life is. Tomorrow is never promised.

I am writing this blog for many reasons, but primarily for me. Writing has always been a productive outlet for me. It gives me the inner peace that I need, and allows me to process and keep myself grounded.

It's time I put my life's motto at the forefront. "The things we regret in life are the risks we didn't take." And I have not intentions of leaving this life with regret......

WTF just happened?!?!

It's been a whirlwind of events, but on April 9, 2015, my Dad was reunited with his brother (William Olander), who passed away in 1989.

I still don't know how to comprehend what has just happened. He had been in the hospital sick for the past few weeks, but I didn't think he would be gone so quickly.

My Dad was truly one of my best friends, biggest supporter, and my mentor. He was the one person I have always been able to turn to for advice. And the one person who has always told me how it is, regardless if I want to hear it or not.

I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do. My Mom, while she's a strong woman, is completely falling apart already.

I have a feeling being an only child is really going to suck for awhile....