Torn and Tattered

It's difficult to even begin to describe the emotions I'm feeling right now. While I appreciate the love and support everyone has shown me, I'm sick of being asked how I'm doing or if I'm OK....the answer is no, I'm not OK and no, there is nothing you can do for me.

In April 2015, I lost my Dad is a matter of a week. While we knew he was sick, he was gone before we even knew what was going on. 

My Mother has struggled more than I ever thought she would. She had become very dependent on my Dad, and was left with trying to make sense of all of it.

I've barely had time to breath. I still feel like I haven't had time to grieve. Between trying to help Mom, become grounded in my new job that I started in April, my new life and relationship with Brian, and handling all the paperwork that comes with death...I've been busy...too busy!

Through all this, I had a falling out with my Grandmother. She has not been in a good place for quite some time. I was unable to handle dealing with my Mom, dealing with my own life, and trying to take on her negativity as well. Some not so nice words were exchanged between her and I, and I had not talked to her since.

During the past few weeks, I came to the realization that I needed to make amends and had planned on stopping out to see her within the next few weeks. But yesterday, I received the call that she had passed away peacefully.

I'm angry with myself for letting my own emotions get in the way of being there for my Grandma after the death of her 2nd son. I am disappointed in myself that I couldn't take the time to get past my own pride and selfishness to go see her sooner. But more than anything right now...I feel numb.

I have lost the two most influential people in my life...in a span of 6 months. There are so many things I want to scream and shout at the world, at anyone, everyone, and no one all at the same time.

I am completely heartbroken right now. I don't understand why anyone should endure this much pain in such a short amount of time. I feel broken, torn, tattered, and I don't know where to being to pick up the pieces.